The winner!

The Inimitable PERLBot
The squadron waited in the dairy's redolent darkness, the only sound their quiet breathing. The men knew their mission, even if it was odd, and the mission demanded silence. But they were uneasy. Finally, Sergeant Francis, his gun still at the ready, shifted his weight and spoke. "Explain this to me again, Lieutenant? We've been parachuted into Sonoma to kill a couple of cheesemakers?" The lieutenant's voice rang out in reply. "That's right, soldier. First, it was fluoridated water. Now the attack is more widespread, more insidious. For two hundred years, America has been strong, eating meat and potatoes. The Communists couldn't beat us through a frontal assault, so they got smarter. They enlisted hippies to feed people whole grains. Celebrity chefs to feed us duck comfit. Italians to feed us Slow Food, sissified ham and three hundred dollar a pound truffles. Atheist Californians to give us free range chickens and organic bok choi. And this! A dairy run by lesbians --" "They're not lesbians," noted Corporal Jackson, always a stickler for detail. "On the Internet it said they were a women's collective." "That's pretty obvious code, Corporal, and don't interrupt. A lesbian dairy producing organic sheep's milk chevre to sap the will of the American people! Grain-fed beef and government cheese are what made us regular and strong! Our nation's mighty bowels have been under twenty years of assault by the Godless whims of Californians and Democrats! Every time you change channels to the Food Network, you're changing channels to Communism! The military-industrial-dairy complex won't go without a fight, and here's where they decided to draw the line. And after this dairy, we move on." His words were coming faster now. "There's a place over in Russian River that makes a St. Andre. Then we'll sweep down to San Francisco, then over to Wisconsin, then--" A shot rang out. The lieutenant flew backwards. The squadron drew their guns and whirled to face Devereaux, the quiet marksman from Baton Rouge. His voice was a harsh whisper. "First they'd take out the yuppie cheesemakers, but then they'd start coming after the farms. Then the microbrews. The only way they can keep us eating what they want is to take our options away from us! The honest food, the real ice cream and the softshelled crabs and the carnitas and..." He trailed off, then resumed, his voice shaking. "The poor boys and the catfish and the gumbo. You know, these women make good cheese. Have you ever -tasted- the stuff? Radical politics or not, it's damn good!" He paused, imagining his court martial, the coming years of prison food, unrelenting, without a bowl of jambalaya or a Cuban sandwich to end the monotony. But it had to be done, for the good of the country. He shook his head mournfully and said, as much to himself as to the rest of the squad, "Extremism in the defense of Libber cheese is no vice."

A truly astounding series of puns.
Adam Cooper

You've actually stumbled on a top-secret government program involving the weaponization of dairy products. It all started during WWII, when the Axis had Britain over a cracker barrel. Something was in the air-you could smell it on the bries. A group of rogue agents received an advanced copy of a Roosevelt speech which was full of typographical errors, and these agents took to heart the president's message that the United States must become "an Artisanal of democracy" . Their task in front of them, they set up a cottage in the Swiss hills. They also had an outpost on a certain Mount Chego. It would be an uphill battle, and they had to do it themselves. They had a lot to prov, olone. It soon turned into a worldwide operation, as they enlisted the help of the Kurds. The battles were bloody, but they succeeded in giving the enemy much asiagony. After Hiroshima the group changed focus, which was just as well because they had all done alot of soul-searching in the last days of the war, wondering if they cammenbaer it anymore. What you discovered is a artifact of this later phase of the operation, when the moved to the more defensive side of things--the cheese it like a flak jacket-soft, able to absorb just about anything. It was spreadable, it was edible and it left no traces. When you whey all the facts, this group of soldiers made an important contribution. Recently, one of the troop, a Reggie Parm, died of an acute case of lactose intolerance. He has been buried in a mausoleum bearing the following inscription, a tribute to Parm and his compatriots:
" To those who dared to say
That no one does it better
From the Jack of Monterey
To Vermont or Wisconsin Cheddar
For those who stood as one
Mindful of their avowals
To seek out all Mascarpon
And protect Our Nation's Mighty Bowels"
All further information is still classified. I bid you a Fond(a)due.

Dinoj Surendran
Most items in the U.S. Army serve multiple purposes. Jerrycans were used as bricks in World War Two, cooking pot lids as ping pong bats in Vietnam, rubbers as anti-sand filters for gun barrels in the Gulf Wars, and tin hats as pretty much anything since time immemorial. This is usually attributed to the ingenuity of soldiers. However, there may be more to this, as recently declassified documents describe a DARPA project that tried to make every piece of standard army issue serve at least three distinct purposes.
Project Leatherman was led by Colonel Damyu J. Mudpuddle, a former physics professor, janitor and vacuum salesman (in that order) with a peculiar talent for filling gaps where no-one knew there were gaps. Often, there were indeed gaps, which is why some viewed Mudpuddle as God, or at least the Pope. However, there were not always gaps, which is why most viewed him (Mudpuddle, not the Pope) as a moron. In hindsight, it is clear that the military had yet to come to grips with the notion that failure is part of the creative process, and just as unclear how the project lasted as long as it did.
The project produced two notable products in its three month lifespan. The first was the Zoppi lighter. This was a non-toxic liquid that, when poured on a backpack, made it lighter. Unfortunately, this was because it made a hole in the bottom of the backpack. It eventually earned a name among soldiers as The Liquid Can Opener and the only thing that would be relied upon to destroy such incriminating evidence as memos, litter and used anti-sand filters.
The second product was the cheeseblock. This had a number of uses, 96 at last count. Most were what any sensible person would do with a brick-shaped object, such as throwing it at enemy troops when the ammo gave out, dropping it on rural huts, or breaking windows in jewellery stores during invasions. It could float, and many a life was saved by a cheeseblock raft. The fact that its smell kept sharks away didn't hurt, unless your sense of smell was actually working at the time. Cheeseblock had a high albedo, making it an excellent reflector at night. Several soldiers, desperate to get injured so they could go home early, used it to provide an easier target for the enemy to hit. As it was bullet proof and thus very useful as a shield in trench warfare, it could hardly be banned.
Best of all, in the words of an obscure technical report, cheeseblock "becomes edible, with a unique, cheese-like flavor, when heated". The appendix of the report goes on to qualify these terms. 'Edible' means that lab rats forcefed with the stuff did not throw up (more than half their body weight) or die (within 24 hours). 'Heated' means 'heated for 37 hours at 370 degrees Farenheit'. 'Unique' means what it says, fortunately.
Thanks to a clerical error, samples of cheeseblock made their way to the general public, sans instructions. Records of the public response to this remain classified, though it is unlikely that our nation's mighty bowels were ever tested, owing to our nation's not-so-mighty teeth.
(533 words, disqualified.)

Thanks for playing!